Friday, December 23, 2011

Lest I forget

[from an un-mailed letter to my dearest non-biological sister, several years ago ... I wonder what would have happened had it ended up with its rightful "owner"] ..

...My life nowadays is comprised of work, reading, sleeping, and occasionally finding some kind of food. my life nowadays is not comprised of exercise or daily Bible reading or hanging out with people. I have "time," it seems, to read book after book from the library, but when it comes to reading love letters from (and about) the Creator of the universe, i throw it aside and go to sleep. . My heart is growing cold and crusty, and I don't know whether to like it or hate it. I know I ought to hate it because it says so in the Bible and all, but I'm not sure if I like it, either,. If I don't really "like it," though, the fact is still there that I am tolerating a cold heart. Or lukewarm. Or hypocritical. Or all of the above. Either way, I do not like the position I find myself in now. The thing is, I don't know where to start to change it, or to ask God to change it. My heart should be crying right now, but there are some kind of callouses growing over any tear ducts and the tears cannot escape, no matter how much I wish. 

 All this I haven't really thought about writing until now, so I suppose this letter is something of a thinking process... If you can bear reading it, maybe it will give you something to pray about. Because seriously, I don't know if I can really pray anymore. I still "talk" to God, but I don't really "listen" to Him anymore, so it's not really "talking," but more like a 3-year-old. And I don't even know if it hurts. It's like when someone's so used to pulling hot cookie sheets from the over with their hands that it doesn't hurt and they can't feel it when they go without oven mitts to take the pans from a hot oven. 

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