Saturday, May 11, 2013

a year's worth...

We've been married almost a year.

My boy and I have gone through so much in such a short time - and have learned how to fight, how to play nicely, and how to get by on zero dollars and gas fumes.  God has provided a place to stay, clothes to wear, and friends to talk to on the phone.

It has been the hardest year of my life - knowing that I have to student teach to get my certificate, yet knowing I am getting paid absolutely nothing for all my work with the kids. I have to go to school about 5 days a week, and have nothing to show for it - not even a few dollars to pay for gas. We've had to ask for money for gas from family members, and God has provided money for gas and food at times when we thought there would be nothing.

They flyleaf of my Bible is not as full as it could be of those provisional times (because I like to write down the specific times He's provided for our needs) because my head's been downcast too much lately.

Grocery shopping is not enjoyable when you have to decide between eggs or soy milk (because of your husband's sensitivity to cow-milk), or when you have to choose to forego vegetables because you need to buy flour to make bread (which will last longer than the veggies would have, anyway.) I know what it is like to go without, but it makes things so very much harder when trying to prepare a meal that is healthy and sustaining.  My husband does his best not to complain, but I know myself how hard it is to eat the same few meals over and over because we cannot afford variety.

He needs new pants. It is hard to find his size, because he's tall. I wouldn't trade his height for anything, though. He fits me just perfectly. It's also hard to find his size because we can't pay for pants. I can see some threads threatening to loosen on the seams, but I don't really know what we can do.

I need new shoes.  I have some shoes that are impractical that I just want to find a new home for, and trade them somehow for some practical-for-flat-feet flats or low-heely dress /teacher shoes.  Too bad we still have some bills to pay first, because that's more important to me than new shoes.  God provided some cheap insoles for those shoes, so I can stretch them a few weeks more- perhaps until school is over on the 30th...

I wish I could keep the house ( where we are staying ) clean - but we are never there because we don't have internet (for school, etc) and have to be gone most of the day to get our work done. .. and I'm exhausted by the time we finally make it home.

I wish I didn't somehow gain 20 pounds since last fall... At least, I think it was about that much... and I can't make it go away. Stress-related, most likely, along with not being able to eat how I know I need to because we can't afford good food. He's providing in His own way, in His own time, but sometimes I get very sad that I can't feed my husband what he needs to be healthy and alert.

We only really read together in the mornings on the way to school, but at least we're reading together... in Psalms, so we can start out thinking His thoughts ...  but I wish it was more.

There are no people around this town that have made much of an effort to get to know us, and it really stinks. Sometimes it gets frustrating, and other times I am bored beyond belief (even though I have classes to work on) as well as I just feel like I don't fit in this town at all. I miss the old us, that was able to at least go visit people; but when the only gas money we have is supposed to be used to get me to and from school, then it's kinda a downer.

And our health is going down the tubes, and we can do nothing about it.

And then there's the day-after-day search for a job, which leaves my sweet husband and I both frustrated and discouraged. We've had a few phone / in-person interviews but then absolutely nothing... over and over and over again.
We've been knocking on doors for almost a year now, since we decided to leave CCS...
and I'm not sure how much more we can take.

End scene.
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