memorial day. in my own words.

Who am i, really?
a year ago, this blog didn't really exist. i am going to have to change the title from "tales of a first year unofficial Spanish teacher in northeastern Arizona" to something else, something that "Defines me." I realized something today...
I am hopeful. Sometimes I am hopeful to a fault, but I am hopeful.
For example - Like Hannah, I hope to have a child. or several. Not just "spiritual children;" there's nothing wrong with that, but there's just something about being able to say "this is my child." Even if you have to give it up quickly - I cannot imagine how much Hannah had to go through...wow.

So I am going to write about memorial day. Through the eyes of a hopeful individual.
In my very own words.

What is memorial day?
Sure, it's about remembering our amazing armed forces and all the military people for choosing to serve our country and keep us safe, but...
to me, it's so much more.

A day to reflect, to ponder, to remember.
what do those words even mean?

people gone, people absent, people far away...
i remember them. sometimes not always but still.
little things -
smiles, hugs, gestures,

words
kind words
encouraging words
scalpel-like precisionate words
angry words that i try to forget
buliding blocks
words that hurt and heal both and yet.
yet these words still remain, lingering around my head.
and i remember them
(not just the words, but the people that uttered them).

everything else possible to remember, i remember.
smells - certain smells
boy smells
people smells
dressed-up smells
working smells
the smell of a flea market on a Saturday early afternoon
smells after a rain or snow reminiscent of muddy christmas trees
the smell of white-out drawings on my teacher desk :)
smells of coffee at church

and voices.
bass voices suddenly resonating behind me in church
little voices serenading me, looking for me from across the room.
grown up voices approving and disapproving of who i am
voices voicing their frustrations to me, a giant ear ready to listen
friendly voices welcoming me wherever i am.

All these I remember, and more, in my own "Memorial Day."
Thank you for being part of who I am.

the voices of my friends, my little brothers, their laughter,

Translation of Don Quijote (the comic book), as written by one of my students.

Not long ago in a place called Snoogens lived a gnarly old dude named Joel Dudeson. One night as Joel Dudesom was reading a book about knights and other heroic things, he wished that he was a knight, but also wished he had a Maxim magazine, anyways he thought of being a knight so he got up from his chair (that's for old people) and grabbed a sword pretending to be a knight. There were two chicks named Deanna, the other named Tara. They heard a noise so they went to check it out, but as they saw what it was, it was just a crazy old man with a sword. Deanna thought to herself, "What is this crazy old foo up to?" And Tara "mmmmm... look at that sexy trying to be a knight!"

Chapter 2
The next day Joel Dudeson went into his shaggin shed and put on some armor and grabbed some weapons, jumped on his horse, and rode off to see the lady of his drams. To win her heart he must defeat another dude to win his ladies heart fair and square.

from "The Birthright" - JanetteOke and T Davis Bunn

"Nicole continued to pray for God's guidance, but in her heart she felt she'd already been given her answer. To refuse to go, she felt strongly, would be denying what God had been gently urging her to do. One day she would agree with the plan, her body tingling with excitement, then the next day she would draw back, fearing the unknown. But in her heart she did not waver in her decision. She would go in obedience. Still, she couldn't bring herself to discuss it with Andrew and Catherine. Nicole dreaded the thought of fighting through another decision that would rend herself from the family she loved."

oraciones

make my heart more like yours
and make me able to see where you can use me
ya lublyiu tebya, abba!

numberage

It is at least $2,000 for a round-trip to Turkmenistan.

It was at least 84 degrees (F) today.

Brave Saint Saturn has more than 18 songs on my computer.

I have 4 brothers.

Mitchell discovered i have infinitesimal knots in my back/neck/shoulders. anyone wanna help remove them?

Phil Wickham is a soother.

I just bought the mp3s from Phillip LaRue's new cd. (without Natalie, sad day.). . . It was agood investment. I have to lyricise research still, though.
and do homeworks.

Abba, show me where your heart lies. make mine align with that.
te amo. y extraño.

567енгриоташгрылидмьп щудкл пуылдпя жкоыдочжлщыеко
which means aieuhtj serto siejgpoalnergoiaske gosierlgj

(in Russian)

ciao, bella!

"Scheduled outage at 2:00am PDT on Monday (5/11)."
hahaha

swine flu on a paper plate. with paint!

today Shane went about school with a dust-mask on.

he wore it while playing hackysack in the halls, while painting paper plates and working on his poster, and heaven knows where else. (and i thought I was the one who just traveled to mexico?!)

silly child.

and sam and a few others ate paint. they spat it out quickly, luckily, but for a few minutes they had blackened teeth...

silly childrens.



it is things like this that make my day what it is. unforgettable, and unique, and precious. i am going to miss these crazy-go-nuts teenagers that have (at least some of them) been forced into early adulthood.

i am going to miss their snide remarks and "racist" comments (well, calling me racist when I assign homework, etc.), and the easy way of communication we've developed.

julius keeps trying to ask me out. hopefully just as a joke, hahaha. ...
i am maybe not going to miss that, but it's still part of my valley high school experience.

a few of these young whippersnappers have taken up residence in my room during the lunch hour to watch movies and hang out... i spent all year wishing they would, and now, with 18 days left of school, they've begun.

hmmm. tomorrow (and thursday) is Parent . Teacher . conferences (PTC). I am having my chillen make posters with labels in spanish; they are also painting paper plates to hang on the wall. :-D

good times.

it is time for bed, for i am sleepy, albeit incredibly busy.


and yesterday the juniper (or jack?) pines gave me a terrible allergical headache.
i don't think i will miss that much at all. :-p

jesus woodlaaji sin (the name of the navajo hymnal!)

I went on my first "real" women's retreat this weekend. (I usually only go with mixed genders).

It was pretty neat, aaand I got to sing in Navajo. Not that I knew what I was singing, mind you, but it was quite the experience. Especially Saturday morning, when ladies kept going up to the front and suggesting songs (in response to the song leader's "does anyone have any special music?" The ladies would go up to the podium and say something like "my grandma likes this song," or "I have been blessed by something or other," or - the neatest was this grandma who went up there and talked in navajo for 5 minutes about something and you could read in her face the goodness of God.

so here are a few links to some videos of songs we sang.

it was neat. Friday was hard because I kept thinking about Sam and the things she's been doing; but... she's been texting me from other peoples' phones, so at least I know she has a "line open." if that makes sense. At least I can be an ear...

Abba, use me.

in front of a boy that is not

i cried in front of a boy tonight. well, not really "in front." more like, "to side of," but still there it is - I cried in front of a boy.

No, I take that back. I cried in front of a man. Because a boy wouldn't have said "why don't we pray right now?!" this man said exactly that, and then proceeded to pray.

My heart's been heavy the past few days, and more so today because I found out one of my students tried to commit suicide (along with all the other heavy things going on at home / school). So when Rachel invited me along to visit Kit Carson's Cave (slash really amazing bushwacking/climbing) I said sure... but my heart wasn't really into it. We got there and climbed up into the cave (it was pretty steep) and checked out the graffiti and the spring trickling out of the wall, and the secretive hole-in-the-back-of-the-cave full of rubbish and dank things. After sliding down to the cave entrance again, Jeff made us climb this crazy rock face to get over the cave's rooftop, and i think i'm too short or something, because i had to use his hand-shelf to reach the first rock-shelf. lame. And then I almost got stuck towards the top but I figured out how to extract myself from the twisty tunnel-like crevice I'd gotten into. Then it was onward and upward - much like ND - in Theodore Roosevelt National Park (a little on the taller side, though, so maybe think the North Unit) through trees, over rocks that weren't always firmly wedged into the ground, and over lots and lots of sand.

and then at the top was a sweet little mesa and we spread out and pondered for a good amount of time, and then I told Jeff and Rachel about my student and we prayed and then it was almost dark so we scampered down the mountain and made it back to Jeff's car. And on the road out was a dead dog that hopefully we did not hit.

And also we took the Superman Canyon Road that apparently was part of the Christopher Reeves movie version of Superman where Lois Lane is driving a car through a rockslide (or something. that is another one of the 19 million movies I have yet to see...) and almost hit a few horses in the road. haha. it was a realllly pretty route, though. Jeff just kinda "took it" and didn't tell us where he was going, so it was fun. He's one of those people that always has a neat factoid about whatever is going on around you, but he "shares" those facts in a non-threatening way, so you feel like you're learning something from him.

then we went to Applebee's and ate food and drank stuff. I had a diet pepsi with grenadine - my receipt said "Cherry Soda." apparently they are just plain silly there.

and i drove home. and now I am really sleepy from hiking and three days of sunburn.
and 23 days left of school, but tomorrow is only basically 2/3 of a day or less, because we are going to spend 3 hours outside cleaning and watching the fire department burn our tumbleweeds and other various burnable garbage.
it will be spectacular. for the students. As for those teachers that are there to try to teach students something, the day is already shot.
heh!

and thank you, Jeff (even though you'll probably never read this) for being a man. Sure, I said "you're the man," and that can mean at least those two things we talked about, but this time it means "you're the man." And that, my friend, is a compliment.

let me leave you with a poem i wrote a few years ago - to remind you to pray for my student...
(and part of / following that a poem contemplating my own life in comparison to Christ's)





wishing for boldness
i wish i could tell you
what you need so much to hear
(not just need, but deserve)
i need to be real with you
and not just you but all the others
too
i want Him to hold you
in the mighty palm of His hand
next to me
i want to have slumber parties forever with you
talking about mercy and grace and forgiveness
and the depths of His love
i want to know where you will be
where you will be
is it alright that i let it get this way?
why am i so scared,
so unbrave,
so much to blame?
i ramble too much when i talk,
will you understand?
Papa God, use my lips,
my words,
twist them so your words spill from me
into her ears, his ears, their hearts.

my heart hurts,
my spirit aches,
my soul groans inside
when i think of the things –
all those terrible things -
you went through
to bring me home.

The tears cannot fall,
my eyes cannot cry,
my silent heart grows dim
to think of the one who loved me so
the one you rejected
you couldna looked at Him.

Thank you for all the terrible things,
the horrible, and the absurd.
Thank you with all of the thanks that i know,
and make me e’er grateful, dear Lord.

The tears fall,
my eyes water,
my silent eyes mist over,
my heart trembles to think of the pain
the hurt
the anguish
all those horrible nouns
the terror caused by the others,
the ones who wanted you to leave,
those who made you cry.
They make me cry, too.
I’m crying for you;

once my heart stops weeping,
stops sobbing,
stops tearing itself to shreds,
i can feel your arms around me,
and the pain flees.
I am no longer able to cry;
you have taken all the tears -
those terrible, stinking tears
tears of no relief -
and thrown them away in the wind.
The salt water landed in a field of sunflowers
and my eyes and yours glanced upon it.
All that yellow made both our eyes mist over again,
this time for sheer joy.
Joy of living,
joy of being,
joy of seeing.
Yellow and brown, so natural
so free,
so vibrant and living.
What you have done for me.
All because those tears,
tears borrowed forever from me.

24

There are 24 days left of school. Big grin and sad face at the same time.

Vashti the ....queen

(from the book of Esther)

Now it came to pass in the days of Ahasuerus ... in the third year of his reign, he made a feast unto all his princes and his servants; the power of the Persia and Media, the nobles and princes of the provinces, being before him: When he showed the riches of his glorious kingdom and the honor of his excellent majesty many days, even an hundred and fourscore days. ...

Also Vashti the queen made a feast for the women in the royal house which belonged to king Ahasuerus.


...And after King Ahas was totally smashed, he thought he'd show everyone his pretty little wife; unfortunately for everyone involved, Vashti dissed the king and stayed at her own party. I mean feast...