Tuesday, April 21, 2009

in front of a boy that is not

i cried in front of a boy tonight. well, not really "in front." more like, "to side of," but still there it is - I cried in front of a boy.

No, I take that back. I cried in front of a man. Because a boy wouldn't have said "why don't we pray right now?!" this man said exactly that, and then proceeded to pray.

My heart's been heavy the past few days, and more so today because I found out one of my students tried to commit suicide (along with all the other heavy things going on at home / school). So when Rachel invited me along to visit Kit Carson's Cave (slash really amazing bushwacking/climbing) I said sure... but my heart wasn't really into it. We got there and climbed up into the cave (it was pretty steep) and checked out the graffiti and the spring trickling out of the wall, and the secretive hole-in-the-back-of-the-cave full of rubbish and dank things. After sliding down to the cave entrance again, Jeff made us climb this crazy rock face to get over the cave's rooftop, and i think i'm too short or something, because i had to use his hand-shelf to reach the first rock-shelf. lame. And then I almost got stuck towards the top but I figured out how to extract myself from the twisty tunnel-like crevice I'd gotten into. Then it was onward and upward - much like ND - in Theodore Roosevelt National Park (a little on the taller side, though, so maybe think the North Unit) through trees, over rocks that weren't always firmly wedged into the ground, and over lots and lots of sand.

and then at the top was a sweet little mesa and we spread out and pondered for a good amount of time, and then I told Jeff and Rachel about my student and we prayed and then it was almost dark so we scampered down the mountain and made it back to Jeff's car. And on the road out was a dead dog that hopefully we did not hit.

And also we took the Superman Canyon Road that apparently was part of the Christopher Reeves movie version of Superman where Lois Lane is driving a car through a rockslide (or something. that is another one of the 19 million movies I have yet to see...) and almost hit a few horses in the road. haha. it was a realllly pretty route, though. Jeff just kinda "took it" and didn't tell us where he was going, so it was fun. He's one of those people that always has a neat factoid about whatever is going on around you, but he "shares" those facts in a non-threatening way, so you feel like you're learning something from him.

then we went to Applebee's and ate food and drank stuff. I had a diet pepsi with grenadine - my receipt said "Cherry Soda." apparently they are just plain silly there.

and i drove home. and now I am really sleepy from hiking and three days of sunburn.
and 23 days left of school, but tomorrow is only basically 2/3 of a day or less, because we are going to spend 3 hours outside cleaning and watching the fire department burn our tumbleweeds and other various burnable garbage.
it will be spectacular. for the students. As for those teachers that are there to try to teach students something, the day is already shot.
heh!

and thank you, Jeff (even though you'll probably never read this) for being a man. Sure, I said "you're the man," and that can mean at least those two things we talked about, but this time it means "you're the man." And that, my friend, is a compliment.

let me leave you with a poem i wrote a few years ago - to remind you to pray for my student...
(and part of / following that a poem contemplating my own life in comparison to Christ's)





wishing for boldness
i wish i could tell you
what you need so much to hear
(not just need, but deserve)
i need to be real with you
and not just you but all the others
too
i want Him to hold you
in the mighty palm of His hand
next to me
i want to have slumber parties forever with you
talking about mercy and grace and forgiveness
and the depths of His love
i want to know where you will be
where you will be
is it alright that i let it get this way?
why am i so scared,
so unbrave,
so much to blame?
i ramble too much when i talk,
will you understand?
Papa God, use my lips,
my words,
twist them so your words spill from me
into her ears, his ears, their hearts.

my heart hurts,
my spirit aches,
my soul groans inside
when i think of the things –
all those terrible things -
you went through
to bring me home.

The tears cannot fall,
my eyes cannot cry,
my silent heart grows dim
to think of the one who loved me so
the one you rejected
you couldna looked at Him.

Thank you for all the terrible things,
the horrible, and the absurd.
Thank you with all of the thanks that i know,
and make me e’er grateful, dear Lord.

The tears fall,
my eyes water,
my silent eyes mist over,
my heart trembles to think of the pain
the hurt
the anguish
all those horrible nouns
the terror caused by the others,
the ones who wanted you to leave,
those who made you cry.
They make me cry, too.
I’m crying for you;

once my heart stops weeping,
stops sobbing,
stops tearing itself to shreds,
i can feel your arms around me,
and the pain flees.
I am no longer able to cry;
you have taken all the tears -
those terrible, stinking tears
tears of no relief -
and thrown them away in the wind.
The salt water landed in a field of sunflowers
and my eyes and yours glanced upon it.
All that yellow made both our eyes mist over again,
this time for sheer joy.
Joy of living,
joy of being,
joy of seeing.
Yellow and brown, so natural
so free,
so vibrant and living.
What you have done for me.
All because those tears,
tears borrowed forever from me.
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